Tidal Waves
by Jennifer Wand
Summary: Miller reflects on Sutton's feelings for him. Set shortly after the end of Volume 25.


Brett Miller is not gay.

First of all, he's English royalty. Gayness does not happen inside English royalty. It wouldn't DO. English princes plot against their parents, get coronated, get married, grow old, and have their children plot against them. There's no room for exploring one's sexuality. Brett is more or less between Steps 2 and 3. He's hoping that Step 3 will actually happen, although he seriously doubts it. Still, who wouldn't jump at the chance to be engaged to Akira, even for appearances' sake, even for only a few brief weeks?

Second, he's very aware that his name (well, Julian's name, but he's long since learned to answer to Julian) is brought up more or less every week on Queer Eye. He's been adored by gay men all his life, as Brett and as Julian. Gay men and prepubescent girls. Two demographics he's learned to loathe. And then there was Nobuo (shudder), and then there was that idiot perv of an old fogey at the palace (double shudder), and on top of it all there's Sutton…

Right. Sutton. The problem.

Anyhow, with all that bad experience, how could he possibly be gay?

Finally, the coup de grace. Akira. Beautiful, beautiful, perfect Akira. Brett loves her. He really does. All of the donors do. Every last one of them was resurrected feeling two things: love for her and hatred for everything but her. And Brett's a donor, though his situation is slightly different than that of the others. He, too, has felt the stirring of hate when a Moon Stone is near. He, too, wants to rip out Kashiwagi's heart and lungs for what he's done to their friends. How could he not love Akira?

Come to think of it, how could Sutton not love Akira too? A while ago, when he and Akira had confided in their friends about their plan for the engagement, Sutton had nearly exploded. "If I were in your position," Brett had said apologetically to him, "I'd object too. You really love Akira, don't you?" He said it to mislead their friends, to get Sutton off his back (that stupid man!) but Sutton acted as if he hadn't realized it until just that moment. After Brett had closed the door, he'd stood against the wall, ready to spring out again if Sutton let another word slip. On the other side, Sutton was saying to Mamoru, "Was that it? Was that why I was against their engagement? Because I loved Akira?"

When he was about to blurt out something perfectly embarrassing three minutes ago!

It's Sutton's sheer _stupidity_, Brett realizes, that really gets to him. There are times he acts like a half-decent guy, where Brett can almost believe he's just a concerned friend. Then something comes over him, and he's like a charging bull—-all mad and out of control. (What had he said in Russia? "It's YOU I'm hunting, so stay still"?) Then, later, he doesn't remember a thing, or so he claims. Brett truly believes he's fooling himself.

In Sutton's more rational moments, he apologizes. Hands to the ground, head down, face contorted. Brett hates to see him like that, wants to let him know there's nothing wrong with what he's feeling. But he's afraid to start up that mad bull by saying anything vaguely encouraging. Besides, what would he say? "It's okay if you're gay, Sutton. It's just not okay for you to like _me_"? If the world worked that way, Akira would have said the same to him. You're allowed to love whoever you love; you're just not allowed to control them.

Brett supposes that one reason he's so upset about the whole situation, besides the scandal, is that he feels Sutton is controlling him. What right does he have to tell him not to get married? What right does he have to grab him by the wrist, refuse to let him go until he's had his say? If Brett didn't have a powerful kick, Sutton would have already shouted "I love you!" at the top of his lungs in front of Mamoru and Kaede. He thanks his years of karate training for action movie roles. Now they've saved his life _and_ his reputation.

He likes Sutton, he really does. He's a good guy. A good, decent guy. Brett remembers when they were in New York, talking about the past, before Brett had accepted the crown. Sutton had just awakened again, and was full of pulsing rage. "I really want to kill something," he'd growl. "Can't I kill something? A bird? A cat? _Anything?_" It had almost been fun trying to keep him from taking the heads of those pool-hall maniacs who had hit on Brett one night. Sutton had walked away from the wife and family that were waiting for them, had walked away from the world of pro basketball that had once been his dream, and was wandering like a lost child in the middle of the night. Brett had enjoyed helping him find his way.

And then Satoshi had spiked the water in that hotel room, and everything had gone downhill from there. And then Sutton had reacted so strongly to Akira's rage, and before Brett knew there was a gigantic black man kissing him hard. It was hard to tell whether the fist or the foot had landed first -— they had both gone off automatically at that point.

The thought of Satoshi brings Brett back to the present. How things have changed. The moon in the sky is now a centimeter wider to the eye. Midori is just beginning to recover from his coma, and Satoshi is dead. England is celebrating the engagement of Crown Prince Julian Redmond and Princess Li Gyokurei of China. Akira is planning to go to the moon with Yui and Sutton (although Sutton has tried to convince Brett to take his place.) And the tidal waves are growing restless.


End file.
